


Queer Omens

by Lurlur



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF
Genre: Canon Queer Character, Crack Crossover, Emotional Roller Coaster, Everyone Has Issues, Everyone Needs A Hug, First Kiss, Fluff and Humor, I just think that JVN and Crowley would have a lot to talk about, Idiots in Love, If I am ever extremely wealthy I will pay these men to make this episode, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), Love Confessions, M/M, Men Crying, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Post-Canon, Queerplatonic Relationships, this is some self-indulgent nonsense and I won't apologise, very silly fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21532582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurlur/pseuds/Lurlur
Summary: This is a transcript of an unaired episode of Queer Eye season four.The tapes are lost. The crew have no recollection of working on this episode. This is the only record of the events of that missing week.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 275
Kudos: 689
Collections: Amazing Good Omens, Chaotic Omens: The Fallout of a Big Bang, Ixnael’s Recommendations, Ixnael’s SFW corner





	Queer Omens

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to the Good Omens Big Bang discord! This started as a spit balling session months ago and has lived in my drafts until this week. Special thanks to theirdarkreturning, mack_g, and inflappable for the inspiration.
> 
> My betas, robynthemagpie_writes and Andromeda, thank you for the help! I wrote most of this in a daze of sleep deprivation and mania. You made it readable.

Queer Omens

Int. Car

TAN FRANCE is driving in the right hand seat. ANTONI POROWSKI is in the passenger seat. In the back seat are KARAMO BROWN, JONATHAN VAN NESS, and BOBBY BERK. They are travelling through a city.

TAN: I can’t believe we’re finally getting to do a show in England! I’m so excited to be home!

ANTONI: I’m excited to bring some real food to this country for once.

TAN gives ANTONI a look that expresses his annoyance.

KARAMO: No fighting this early, please. Tell us who we’re going to see.

JVN: Oh, that’s me! Let me tell you all about the gorgeous couple we’ll be seeing this week! 28 year old Newton has been nominated by his fiancé, Anathema,  _ love _ that name bee tee dubs, who loves him dearly but feels he’s lacking in confidence.

BOBBY: He’s a cutie though.

JVN: Look at that mop of hair, I can’t wait to get my hands on that.

KARAMO: What else do we know?

JVN: They are throwing an engagement party at the end of the week and Newt, OMG she calls him Newt, adorbs, Newt wants to make a really good impression with her family. Isn’t that the sweetest?

ANTONI: TAN, you’re going to love working with him. He dresses like an old man.

TAN: Really? I’m going to have him looking so sharp by the end of the week.

BOBBY: Oooh, look at that amazing classic car!

JVN: Yeah, look out for that car. It’s getting really close.

Everyone jerks forward as TAN brakes sharply. A crunching noise comes from outside the car and TAN undoes his seatbelt and gets out of the car. Raised voices can be heard. JVN and ANTONI look nervous, KARAMO starts to get out of the car to help, BOBBY is smirking.

BOBBY: TAN just had to drive, didn’t he.

Voices outside the car get louder.

TAN: You drifted into my lane!

UNKNOWN MAN: I didn’t! You hit me!

KARAMO joins the men outside.

KARAMO: We’ve got cameras all over the car, let’s just exchange details and let the insurance companies work it out.

ANTONI takes a picture out of the front windscreen with his phone.

UNKNOWN MAN: Fine, fine. Ugh, just, we can’t stop in the middle of the street. Follow me just round the corner and we’ll  _ exchange details.  _ [His tone of voice is mocking]

TAN: Alright, we don’t have much of a choice.

TAN and KARAMO get back in the car.

TAN: We’re just going to follow this guy off the street so we can exchange details. Sorry about the delay, fellas.

ANTONI: I got a picture of his licence plate, I think. I can’t tell if that’s even a legal plate or not.

TAN drives the FAB FIVE to a side street. He parks and all five men begin to get out of the car.

EXT. London street

The FAB FIVE get out of their black SUV, which is parked behind a 1933 Bentley. Both cars have a small amount of visible damage. A man in black clothing and sunglasses gets out of the Bentley and looks at the FAB FIVE.

UNKNOWN MAN: Good, you’re all here.

BOBBY, JVN, ANTONI (all at once): What?

UNKNOWN MAN: This is my friend’s bookshop. Come inside and have a cup of tea while we get this sorted out, please.

EXT. A.Z.Fell & Co. Bookshop

It looks gloomy and unwelcoming. The FAB FIVE look dubious about going inside.

INT. A.Z.Fell & Co.

The FAB FIVE are inside dim bookshop with piles of dusty books around them, they look nervous. The UNKNOWN MAN has sauntered ahead into the shop, he is still wearing sunglasses despite the low light.

UNKNOWN MAN: Aziraphale! Put the kettle on.

A blond man in an old-fashioned suit wanders in from a back room. He looks surprised to see people in his shop.

AZIRAPHALE: Who are all these people? What’s going on?

UNKNOWN MAN: [to AZIRAPHALE] These nice men hit my car and now I’m going to get them to help me.

TAN: Hey, that’s not—

UNKNOWN MAN: [to FAB FIVE] This is my friend, Aziraphale. My name is Anthony Crowley. We are an angel and a demon who have been on Earth since the beginning of time, or about six thousand and twenty years. As you can see, Aziraphale is in desperate need of your help. So, forget Newt and Anathema; here’s a real challenge that is worthy of your talents.

The FAB FIVE are silent. KARAMO, ANTONI, BOBBY, and JVN all appear horrified. TAN is in tears, holding his hands over his mouth and nodding, staring at AZIRAPHALE.

TAN: Yes, of course. Of course we will.

TAN is dragged to the door by the other four but they find the door is jammed. They gather and whisper between them.

BOBBY: An angel and a demon, come on. This is ridiculous. I’m not doing another deeply religious episode.

JVN: They look adorable together and I’m sure we could really help them, but they give me the creeps.

ANTONI: Yeah, I agree. I can’t look at either of them without feeling like they can see inside my head.

TAN: Just look at his clothes, though! This feels like my calling, like I’m supposed to be here! No one has worn clothes like that for over a hundred years.

BOBBY: Of course we could all do our best work here but that’s  _ not the point! _ [He is frustrated]

KARAMO: On the one hand, I admire his dedication to getting us here, but on the other I can’t help realising that we’ve been kidnapped.

TAN: Don’t be dramatic.

JVN: Tanny, I love you but I think he’s right.

ANTONI: They think they’re supernatural creatures, that’s just not right.

AZIRAPHALE approaches with a tray. There are five mugs on it.

AZIRAPHALE: So sorry for interrupting, but I made you all a drink while you talk. [to BOBBY] There’s black coffee for you. [to KARAMO] This is a latte for you, no sugar. [to ANTONI] This little one should be an espresso for you. [to TAN] Earl Grey for you, with lemon. [to JVN] I don’t really know what a frappuccino is so I made you cocoa, I hope that’s OK. I  _ am _ sorry if my friend here has scared or inconvenienced you in any way. He can be somewhat overenthusiastic.

AZIRAPHALE withdraws. The FAB FIVE look down at the drinks in their hands, impressed/ scared/ dubious looks on their faces.

JVN: Oh, I love him! He’s such a sweetie.

TAN: So you’re in?

JVN nods and sips the cocoa.

KARAMO: I don’t feel… unsafe? I could stay if the majority agree.

ANTONI: [to himself] How did he make espresso? I don’t even see a kitchen.

BOBBY: Fine. This place needs a real overhaul anyway.

The FAB FIVE turn to tell the men of their decision but find ANTHONY standing uncomfortably close.

ANTHONY: Excellent decision making, all round. Now let’s get started.

INT. Bookshop back room

There is shabby, eclectic furniture which largely appear to be antique. Almost every surface is covered in books. There is a kitchenette with a sink, kettle, and not much more.

KARAMO: This can’t be where you live, is there a flat?

AZIRAPHALE: Here? Oh no, it’s all bookshop. [He looks very proud of this]

KARAMO: So where do you live?

AZIRAPHALE: Here.

BOBBY: Where do you sleep?

AZIRAPHALE: I don’t. I mean, I suppose I spend the night at Crowley’s place sometimes but I don’t really sleep there either.

JVN puts his arm around AZIRAPHALE’s shoulder and grins. AZIRAPHALE looks alarmed and looks at JVN’s hand then at ANTHONY and back again.

JVN: I bet you don’t! I mean, look at you, you gorgeous thing!

AZIRAPHALE blushes and looks at his feet.

BOBBY: Can you help, ANTHONY? Where does AZIRAPHALE spend his free time?

ANTONI: This is going to get confusing.

ANTHONY: Call me CROWLEY, if it helps. I find humans tend to prefer a familiar name but it doesn’t matter to me.

ANTONI: Humans?

CROWLEY: Yes, humans like you lot. Do keep up.

ANTONI looks away, raising his eyebrows cynically.

CROWLEY: Anyway, he’s right. AZIRAPHALE lives here, spends all his time here or at my place.

The FAB FIVE look at each other and shrug. They split up to look around.

INT. Bookshop First Floor

BOBBY and KARAMO look around the upper level of the bookshop.

BOBBY: This is a spectacular collection, it must be worth millions. First editions, signed books, there’s a treasure trove here.

KARAMO: But there’s no sense to the organisation; he’s got Winnie The Pooh between Chaucer and Keats.

BOBBY: Some of these must be 400 years old. And they are just on shelves? Where’s the humidity control? The temperature control? I can’t even see a sprinkler system in here. There’s no reliable light and, to put it bluntly, a bit of a damp smell. It can’t be good for the books.

AZIRAPHALE appears behind them, smiling gently.

AZIRAPHALE: Gentlemen, I appreciate your concerns about my books but I can assure you that they are perfectly safe. I see no reason for you to interfere. Crowley has explained all about your televisual programme and I must insist that you refrain from making any alterations to my bookshop.

BOBBY: Remodelling somewhere is part of the deal, I’m not just going to sit this one out.

AZIRAPHALE: We’ll take you to see CROWLEY’s place and you’ll see who needs the attention more.

KARAMO puts his arm around AZIRAPHALE’s shoulders and leads him away from BOBBY, who looks insulted. AZIRAPHALE looks at KARAMO’s hand on his shoulder like it might bite him.

AZIRAPHALE: Do you do this a lot? The touching, I mean? [He seems uncomfortable]

KARAMO drops his arm back to his side.

KARAMO: I guess we do, we’re all pretty comfortable with affection and like to engage in casual touch. Does that bother you?

AZIRAPHALE: Not exactly, I’m just not used to it.

KARAMO: Why do you think that might be?

AZIRAPHALE looks thoughtful.

AZIRAPHALE: I like to maintain something of a distance from others, I suppose.

KARAMO: Is that something you’d like to change?

AZIRAPHALE looks down to the ground floor of the bookshop where CROWLEY is trying to show TAN several pieces of tartan clothing. TAN is crying.

AZIRAPHALE: I rather think that I would, yes.

INT. Bookshop Back Room

TAN, ANTONI, and JVN are looking around to find clues about AZIRAPHALE’s personality and routine. CROWLEY is watching and looking stern.

JVN: So, how did you meet AZIRAPHALE?

CROWLEY: It was just after Adam and Eve had been kicked out of the Garden of Eden, I saw him looking worried at the top of the wall and thought it might be fun to wind him up.

TAN and JVN exchange a look.

CROWLEY: As it turns out, he was just about the most interesting being I’d ever met. I still like winding him up though.

ANTONI: That’s adorable. How long have you been together?

CROWLEY: Together?

ANTONI, TAN, and JVN all exchange slightly panicked looks.

TAN: [gently] The two of you, are you a couple?

CROWLEY lifts his sunglasses and rubs his eyes. He looks exasperated.

CROWLEY: I wish I could tell you.

JVN: Oh, honey. We’ll get that sorted out.

JVN gives CROWLEY a hug. CROWLEY makes a noise like a strangled pig and steps away.

CROWLEY: [to TAN] You’re the one who does the clothes, right?

TAN: Yes, but I suddenly wish I wasn’t.

CROWLEY: Get a load of this!

CROWLEY opens a hidden door and reveals AZIRAPHALE’s wardrobe. There are a number of white robes, suits of varying ages and styles in a pale palette of creams, whites, beige, and silver. CROWLEY pulls out a number of items made entirely of tartan and shoves them towards TAN.

CROWLEY: Can you fix this? He thinks this is stylish.

TAN: What? In which century?

CROWLEY: I honestly don’t know. Look, there’s more.

TAN: [crying] Please, stop. I don’t want to see it.

JVN knocks the circular rug aside and uncovers an intricate circle design painted on the floorboards. He pulls the rug away completely and drops to the floor in the centre of the circle.

JVN: I’m ready, Lord. Take me now.

ANTONI: [alarmed] What is that thing? Jonathan, get up!

JVN: [Pouting] I’m being a sacrificial virgin, don’t ruin this for me!

KARAMO: [Offscreen] Ha! Virgin? Oh sweetie, no.

AZIRAPHALE hurries into frame and pulls JVN to his feet.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, I must insist you leave that alone. CROWLEY, what did you do to make that one cry?

CROWLEY shrugs.

TAN: [quietly] There’s so much tartan.

AZIRAPHALE: [sniffing] Tartan is stylish.

KARAMO and BOBBY rejoin the group.

BOBBY: Can we see your place, CROWLEY?

CROWLEY: Don’t see why not, good chance for you to see some decent interior design.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, is that what that is?

CROWLEY: [fondly] Shut up, angel.

BOBBY and KARAMO look at each other and smirk. TAN is still crying. ANTONI and JVN are comforting him and leading him away from the clothes.

EXT. A.Z. Fell & Co.

The FAB FIVE are standing around their black SUV, there are no signs of damage now. CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE are getting into the Bentley.

KARAMO: What? How? This whole light was busted.

TAN: You don’t think…?

They all look at CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE and then at each other.

INT. Crowley’s Flat

CROWLEY is standing in a dark, minimalist space. He has his arms open in welcome but is still wearing the sunglasses. There are pieces of art on the walls and sculptures half-hidden in shadow. It looks forbidding and bleak.

CROWLEY: Welcome to my home. Have a look around. Don’t break anything.

JVN snatches his hand back from a statue of two winged figures and looks guilty. BOBBY appears to be deeply uncomfortable and is looking around the room with wide eyes.

TAN: Well, there’s certainly an aesthetic at work here.

BOBBY makes a noise that sounds a bit like a sob.

KARAMO: Is that a throne? Do you want to tell us about that?

CROWLEY: Not really. It’s just where I sit.

ANTONI and JVN wander off screen. TAN and AZIRAPHALE go through a different door. KARAMO gives BOBBY a hug as CROWLEY looks defensive.

INT. Crowley’s kitchen

A sterile space of gleaming cupboards and expensive gadgets. It looks unused and very clean. ANTONI and JVN are opening cupboard doors and looking around.

ANTONI: This is the cleanest kitchen I’ve ever seen. It’s like a showroom.

JVN: It’s almost creepy.

ANTONI: Have you found any food at all? Any sign of this kitchen being used?

JVN turns on a gas ring on the stovetop and seems surprised that it lights.

JVN: I found coffee, but no food. Which is just such a mood, y’know?

ANTONI: I’m scared to open the fridge.

JVN moves to stand behind ANTONI and holds his shoulders as ANTONI prepares to open a sleek, black refrigerator.

ANTONI: Oh God.

JVN: Is that… good?

ANTONI: This is, um, this is exceptional. There’s thousands of dollars worth of gourmet food here.

JVN: Pounds.

ANTONI: Pfft, same difference.

JVN giggles. The fridge door swings open to reveal that the fridge is fully stocked with expensive food items such as smoked salmon, caviar, french cheese, and exotic fruit. The bottom shelf is full of bottles of Bollinger and Dom Perignon.

ANTONI: The packaging is all really old-fashioned.

ANTONI picks up a package of smoked salmon and turns it over.

ANTONI: I know that England does dates differently to us, but does this say it went out of date in 1987?

JVN looks over his shoulder.

JVN: It does. ANTONI, this is beyond even your weird obsession with smelling gross things. Don’t even think about it.

ANTONI opens the salmon and takes a tentative sniff. JVN cringes away. ANTONI sniffs again, deeper. He pulls a tiny piece of salmon from the package.

JVN: ANTONI no! That’s so nasty! It’s older than you!

ANTONI eats it.

ANTONI: Oh, that’s really nice. I don’t know what’s happened here, but it’s very fresh. Delicious.

JVN looks like he might vomit.

INT. Crowley’s bedroom

TAN and AZIRAPHALE are in a dark room dominated by a large and imposing four poster bed. There are wardrobes along one wall. TAN is opening all of the wardrobe doors. AZIRAPHALE is perched on the edge of the bed, watching. Everything inside the wardrobe is black.

TAN: You two really know how to run with a theme, don’t you?

AZIRAPHALE: It’s probably a bit ingrained at this point, just down to our celestial natures.

TAN pulls out a dark velvet jacket.

TAN: Tell me about this?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, he wore that for a while in the 60s! He looked very dashing in it.

TAN checks the inside of the jacket for a label.

TAN: I can’t find a designer or tailor’s mark.

AZIRAPHALE: No, I daresay you can’t. Crowley, uh,  _ makes _ his own clothes.

TAN: He makes this stuff himself?

AZIRAPHALE: [looking uncomfortable] In a manner of speaking, yes.

TAN: I don’t think I want to know, do I?

AZIRAPHALE: Probably not.

INT. Crowley’s plant room

KARAMO and CROWLEY are standing in a well-lit area, surrounded by lush, green plants. The grey concrete walls are almost completely obscured. Behind them, BOBBY can be seen through the door, sitting on the floor and rocking gently.

KARAMO: Tell me about this room?

CROWLEY: It’s got the best light so I put all my plants here.

KARAMO: There aren’t any plants in the rest of the apartment?

CROWLEY: Nope, I like to keep them all together so they can keep each other in line.

The plants tremble as if caught in a sudden breeze. KARAMO looks alarmed.

KARAMO: I see.

CROWLEY begins to inspect the plants and spraying them with a bottle. He is muttering inaudibly. The plants shake more noticeably.

KARAMO: Are you always so vicious with your plants?

CROWLEY appears shocked, as if he didn’t think KARAMO could hear him.

CROWLEY: I’m not vicious! I just have high standards that I expect them to meet and they usually do, as long as they know what’s good for them.

JVN: [offscreen] KARAMO! Look, I found a sword!

KARAMO: JONATHAN! Put that DOWN!

KARAMO rushes offscreen.

JVN: [offscreen] You’re no fun.

INT. Crowley’s living room

This is the room CROWLEY welcomed the FAB FIVE into initially. BOBBY is sat on the floor, looking around at the walls and wailing. CROWLEY enters from the plant room.

BOBBY: How do I? Oh God, is that...? Who lives like this?

CROWLEY: I do.

BOBBY: Ah!

CROWLEY: Come on, get up.

CROWLEY offers his hand to BOBBY and pulls him upright.

CROWLEY: You’re fine, this is just a bigger challenge than you’re used to.

BOBBY nods.

CROWLEY: You’ve seen how AZIRAPHALE lives and how I like to keep my home. It can be pretty shocking for a human. The problem I need your help with is this: how can I make my flat more comfortable for AZIRAPHALE without sacrificing the order that I need?

BOBBY: I want to laugh but I’m afraid. You want to make a space where AZIRAPHALE feels welcome and at home, but that also doesn’t make you stressed with clutter?

CROWLEY: Exactly! I knew you’d get it.

BOBBY looks pained.

BOBBY: That’s a really big ask, you both have such differing styles. And this space is very rigid.

CROWLEY: You can do it, I know you can.

BOBBY: Really?

CROWLEY: Absolutely. I know a thing or two about miracles and you have performed them plenty of times.

BOBBY straightens his posture and looks proud.

BOBBY: Thanks! Will you talk to me about some of these pieces?

BOBBY gestures at the artwork around them.

CROWLEY: Of course, I’ll give you the tour. This is an early sketch of the Mona Lisa given to me by Da Vinci. He was a close friend. This is a bloody great eagle lectern that I looted from a bombed-out church in 1941.

BOBBY: What? Why?

CROWLEY: Demon, job description, evil.

BOBBY: No, I don’t buy that at all. Steal it, sure. Keep it? I don’t see the need. You clearly don’t keep things just for the hell of it, if you’ll excuse the saying.

CROWLEY: Why can’t it just be that I liked it?

BOBBY: The only other things you have out are plants, a priceless Da Vinci original, and, uh, well, an erotic statue of an angel and a demon.

CROWLEY: WHAT?!

BOBBY points at the statue of two winged figures.

CROWLEY: That is EVIL triumphing over the forces of good! For Satan’s sake, it’s symbolic and they are wrestling!

BOBBY: Sure looks like he’s triumphing, all right.

CROWLEY looks embarrassed.

INT. Department store men’s department

TAN and AZIRAPHALE are surrounded by racks of youthful and trendy clothes. AZIRAPHALE looks nervous. TAN is smiling.

TAN: I’m so excited to get working with you, Aziraphale. I’ve got some goals in mind for updating your look.

AZIRAPHALE looks distraught.

AZIRAPHALE: I like my clothes. They have served me well for over 150 years.

TAN: The bottom of this waistcoat is completely worn through. You’re making yourself look far more boxy than your real shape and the shabby look is really creating a sort of hobo vibe.

AZIRAPHALE looks down at his clothes. TAN is touching the worn areas around the waistcoat buttons.

TAN: You’re a young, good-looking man! You could rock so many different looks.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh no, no thank you.

TAN: Don’t you want to look nice for CROWLEY?

AZIRAPHALE: I DO look nice! And CROWLEY has never complained about how I look. Well, not seriously anyway.

TAN: I think you know the truth. You know that you don’t look your best, that you could update your look and show the world that CROWLEY has the husband he deserves.

AZIRAPHALE: Hmmm, yes, I suppose—Wait, husband?

TAN: Oh! I’m sorry, I just assumed. You’ve been together for such a long time, though?

AZIRAPHALE: We’ve been friends for thousands of years. There’s no one I love more than CROWLEY, but he’s a demon. It just can’t work like that.

TAN grips AZIRAPHALE’s shoulders and looks him in the eyes.

TAN: Not with that attitude. We can work on that, confidence in how you look can do wonders for your self-confidence overall.

AZIRAPHALE: I suppose it can’t hurt.

TAN beams and claps his hands. He picks up a pile of clothes.

TAN: I picked out some stuff for you. Let’s get you trying some of these on.

AZIRAPHALE looks dubious but allows himself to be shepherded into the dressing rooms.

AZIRAPHALE comes out of the dressing room wearing dark jeans in a slim fit and a v-neck t-shirt with a print on it. He looks deeply uncomfortable. TAN is sitting on a chair, watching.

TAN: OK, no, next.

AZIRAPHALE looks grateful and turns straight back into the dressing room.

AZIRAPHALE emerges looking more comfortable in a smart, pastel blue shirt and pale grey suit trousers. The collar of the shirt is open and there’s no undershirt visible.

TAN: Oh, much better! How do you feel?

TAN stands and circles AZIRAPHALE, moving him to face a full-length mirror and tweaking the collar and cuffs of the shirt.

AZIRAPHALE: I like it! I’m not sure it’s really  _ me _ but I like the colour.

TAN: You’re gorgeous in this. The shirt really complements your eyes and I think this is a safe side step from your usual colour palette. And if we just do a quick french tuck here...[TAN untucks the shirt and loosely retucks the front in his familiar french tuck style] What do you think of that?

AZIRAPHALE looks at himself in the mirror and twists to the sides.

AZIRAPHALE: I look slimmer, too. Not so soft.

TAN: Yes, because you’re not wearing eight layers under there [TAN puts his hands on AZIRAPHALE’s hips] You’ve got a good, strong body. Why not show it off more?

AZIRAPHALE: [cautiously] I think that’s a sin.

AZIRAPHALE is now wearing grey tweed trousers, a cream v-neck shirt under a chunky, grey, cable knit jumper with a collar. He is running his hands over the jumper and looking pleased. TAN stands behind him and strokes the shoulders of the jumper.

TAN: You seem a lot more relaxed in this look, it’s still in keeping with your librarian aesthetic just, you know, turned up a bit.

AZIRAPHALE: It’s very comfortable and cosy, like wearing a blanket. I didn’t know that clothes were so soft now.

TAN: Yes, well, that’s because you haven’t updated your wardrobe since Victoria was on the throne.

AZIRAPHALE: [distraught] I just know what I like.

TAN: I should have mentioned this earlier, KARAMO said that you’re not comfortable with a lot of touch. Do you need me to back off?

AZIRAPHALE looks thoughtful and then pats TAN’s hand on his shoulder.

AZIRAPHALE: I’m getting used to it. It can be difficult to know what level of contact and affection is acceptable between adult men as time goes on.

TAN hugs AZIRAPHALE from the side, squeezing his shoulders.

TAN: We try to lead by example, to show that being comfortable with your friends is good and healthy. Do you think that you might like to be more physically affectionate with your friends?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, most definitely.

TAN looks at the camera as if to signify a breakthrough.

TAN: I think we’ve worked out some really great looks for you. I’m going to grab a couple of other pieces for you to try and then we’ll get out of here.

AZIRAPHALE smiles and nods.

INT. Crowley’s Bathroom

JVN and CROWLEY are standing, facing each other, in a dark grey bathroom with concrete walls, black tiles and a black bathroom suite. JVN has his hands in CROWLEY’s hair. CROWLEY looks dazed.

JVN: You’ve got such amazing hair, sweetie. The colour is gorge, obviously, but the texture and softness is to die for. I can’t feel any product residue at all. And the little snake tattoo? Too cute!

CROWLEY: Uh-huh.

JVN runs his hands through CROWLEY’s hair a few more times, mussing up the style.

JVN: Talk me through your morning routine? Show me how you get ready for the day?

JVN drops his hands from CROWLEY’s hair.

CROWLEY: Hmm?

JVN: Oh, you precious thing. Got you all blissed out on some hair petting. Let’s talk skincare, OK?

CROWLEY: Uh, yeah, sure. Of course. [He shakes his head] So, when I wake up I normally look like a zombie.

CROWLEY passes a hand over his hair and face in a downward motion, his hair becomes fuzzy and unruly, his skin looks sallow, patchy and shiny.

CROWLEY: So then I just, y’know…

CROWLEY passes his hand back up over his face to reveal an even, smooth complexion and a styled peaked quiff of red hair. His sunglasses are unchanged throughout.

JVN: What… What am I supposed to make of that? You’re taking care of yourself, at least. Honey, you have to teach me that trick!

CROWLEY leans closer to JVN and smiles.

CROWLEY: Happily, is it worth your soul?

JVN: Oh, hunty, you have no idea what I’d pay to be able to do that.

JVN grabs CROWLEY’s shoulders and turns him to face the mirror.

CROWLEY: You keep touching me. Aren’t you afraid?

JVN: Of you? Sweetie, why would I be?

CROWLEY: Well, demon. You know.

JVN looks tearful and pulls CROWLEY into a tight hug.

JVN: Not to me, you’re just a big cuddly love.

CROWLEY looks shocked over JVN’s shoulder and then buries his face in JVN’s neck and sobs.

JVN: You poor thing. Tell Jonathan all about it, baby.

JVN strokes CROWLEY’s back and lets him cry.

CROWLEY: No one touches me, not ever. I forgot it could be nice.

JVN sniffs and makes a slicing motion with his hand to indicate that filming should pause.

EXT. A.Z. Fell & Co.

AZIRAPHALE is standing in the doorway with his hands on the doorframe. BOBBY is stepping back, a folder is in his hands.

BOBBY: I’m not going to touch your bookshop! I promise!

AZIRAPHALE: I know you aren’t! I won’t let you!

BOBBY: Let’s stop yelling and calm this back down, OK?

AZIRAPHALE appears to consider this.

AZIRAPHALE: What do you want?

BOBBY: I have some ideas I’d like to discuss with you for CROWLEY’s flat.

AZIRAPHALE: [suddenly soft] Oh, my dear boy, why didn’t you say so? Come on in.

BOBBY looks exhausted.

INT. Bookshop Backroom

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE are sitting on a sofa and leafing through a folder.

AZIRAPHALE: This is lovely work, BOBBY. I’m sure he’s going to love it.

BOBBY: I’m glad you think so. How do you feel about these swatches for upholstery?

AZIRAPHALE: Delightful, truly. He’s part snake, you know, so he needs to be warm and comfortable whether he’s stretched out or curled up.

BOBBY: Is that why he walks like that? Like he’s only vaguely aware of what hips are?

AZIRAPHALE sighs.

AZIRAPHALE: I’m sure I couldn’t tell you. His walk is a mystery beyond my understanding.

BOBBY laughs.

BOBBY: I have an idea for something that we can do together to help put a personal touch in this new, more comfortable space for him. Would you be willing to come with me on a bit of a road trip?

AZIRAPHALE: I’d be delighted! As long as you swear that no one will step foot in this bookshop while I’m gone.

AZIRAPHALE looks at BOBBY and then the camera in a threatening manner.

BOBBY: I promise, I wouldn’t dream of it.

EXT. A.Z. Fell & Co Bookshop

CROWLEY and KARAMO are sat on the step of the shop drinking coffee.

KARAMO: I don’t know why everyone complains about the weather in England, this is a really nice day.

CROWLEY looks up at the sky and pulls a face.

CROWLEY: It knows better than to rain on me. Most of the time.

KARAMO: Well, I’m glad it’s behaving today. I’ve got a bit of a project for us here.

CROWLEY: Something for the bookshop? You want to risk angelic wrath? You really can’t rely on me to hold him back.

KARAMO: Ha, not quite. I think this will be a nice middle ground.

KARAMO moves to reveal some window boxes half-filled with earth and trays of plants.

KARAMO: You obviously enjoy caring for plants, I bet that AZIRAPHALE would like having a reminder of you around the place.

CROWLEY tries to hide how pleased he is by looking away.

CROWLEY: S’not a terrible idea, I suppose.

KARAMO and CROWLEY begin planting the window boxes with CROWLEY directing where each plant should go.

CROWLEY: Angel loves colours so we should mix them up as much as possible.

KARAMO: You two know each other really well, don’t you?

CROWLEY: I should say so, we’ve been friends for over 6000 years, been through pretty much everything together. No, no, there should only be one snapdragon per box.

KARAMO lifts the plant back out and hands it to CROWLEY.

KARAMO: Does it cause you many problems, being in love with someone who is supposed to be your enemy?

CROWLEY shrugs.

CROWLEY: Not for me, not really. Just got used to it. Mostly I can ignore it now and it doesn’t stop us from being friends.

KARAMO: You don’t think he feels the same way?

CROWLEY: I know he doesn’t.

CROWLEY’s shoulders hunch up and he leans back from KARAMO.

KARAMO: What makes you so sure?

CROWLEY sighs and rubs his eyes under his sunglasses.

CROWLEY: Four or five decades ago, I thought… I hoped that he was telling me that he was coming round to the idea. I made a tiny step forward, just suggested dropping the pretence of being purely business partners. It did not go well. [mimicking AZIRAPHALE] “You go too fast for me, CROWLEY,” so it’s pretty hopeless on that front.

CROWLEY looks dejected and stabs at the soil viciously with a trowel.

KARAMO: You wait for 6000 years only to be told that you go too fast? You must have the patience of a saint.

CROWLEY: DON’T say that! For someone’s sake, you can’t just say things like that!

KARAMO holds up his hands in a gesture of apology.

KARAMO: Of course, I’m sorry. Has something changed more recently, then? This whole endeavour is much more familiar than the past you’re describing.

CROWLEY: I suppose it has. We’re both effectively retired now, there’s no one looking over our shoulders every minute of the day and even if there were, it shouldn’t matter. We’ve been able to relax a lot more.

KARAMO nods and looks thoughtful, there’s a moment of silence before anyone speaks again.

KARAMO: It sounds like AZIRAPHALE was scared for a long time, and perhaps it’s been more difficult for him to let go of that fear than he’s letting you know.

CROWLEY: You can’t live in hope indefinitely. We’re friends, I’m happy that we’re friends. I don’t need any more than that.

KARAMO appears unconvinced. The window boxes are completed and CROWLEY fixes them in place with a snap of his fingers. KARAMO tries and fails to take this in stride.

KARAMO: They, uh, wow. They look really great, CROWLEY. You should be proud of these.

KARAMO puts his arm around CROWLEY’s shoulders. CROWLEY leans into it and sniffs.

KARAMO: You like hugs, huh?

CROWLEY nods. KARAMO pulls him into a full embrace and strokes his back. It appears that CROWLEY is taking deep breaths.

EXT. St. James’s Park, London

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE are on the gravel path with Buckingham Palace in the background. BOBBY is holding a camera.

BOBBY: I thought that it would be nice to make a photo collage of places that are meaningful to the two of you. You’ve brought us to St. James’s Park for the first photograph, why is that?

AZIRAPHALE: Crowley and I used to meet here all the time to exchange information, or arrange more in-depth meetings.

AZIRAPHALE walks a few steps away from BOBBY and looks out over the duck pond.

AZIRAPHALE: I was standing right here when he asked me for something I thought I’d never be able to give him. I was so cross with him, I thought he was trying to leave me, to get away from our arrangement.

BOBBY: But that wasn’t the case?

AZIRAPHALE: As it turned out, no. It was protection for us both, I just couldn’t see it then.

BOBBY hands the camera to AZIRAPHALE who takes a couple of photographs across the pond and down the path.

EXT. St. Michael’s Church, London

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE are stood on the pavement outside a stone church.

AZIRAPHALE: This church was almost completely destroyed in the Blitz, you’d never know it now, though.

BOBBY: What’s the significance of this location?

AZIRAPHALE: On the night the church was bombed in 1941, CROWLEY rescued me from a rather sticky situation. It was so dangerous for him to do so but he even saved my books. That was the night that I realised what I had been trying to ignore for centuries.

AZIRAPHALE takes a picture of the end of the church, showing the stained glass window.

BOBBY: What was it that you realised?

AZIRAPHALE: That I was in love with him.

INT. The Globe, London

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE stand in the centre of the Globe Theatre.

BOBBY: Is this close enough to the original?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh yes, it’s very faithful. I was delighted when they built it again. CROWLEY and I saw all of Shakespeare’s plays here when we could.

AZIRAPHALE takes a photograph of the stage and another of the stalls.

INT. British Museum Cafe

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE are seated at a plastic table, surrounded by other museum visitors.

AZIRAPHALE: We used to meet here a lot, too. Never order the wine here, it’s practically vinegar.

BOBBY nods but looks confused.

INT. Men’s clothing boutique

TAN and CROWLEY are surrounded by designer clothing and suited mannequins.

TAN: I know you have expensive taste so I’ve brought you here, to one of my personal favourites in London. They have a great, modern selection.

CROWLEY: Why are you bothering with this? I already look great.

TAN: Three main points, really. Colour, you need some. This thing.

TAN grabs the skinny silver scarf that CROWLEY has around his neck.

TAN: You clearly have a good eye for fashion, so why? Why would you wear this?!

CROWLEY looks unmoved and shrugs.

TAN: Lastly, snakeskin shoes. In 2019?

CROWLEY: Those are my  _ feet _ .

TAN laughs. CROWLEY doesn’t.

TAN: Right, I’ve got some ideas for you.

CROWLEY: There really is no need.

CROWLEY snaps his fingers and is no longer wearing his black skinny jeans, vest and blazer, they have been replaced with slim fit fawn trousers, a moss green shirt with french tuck, and a chunky scarf.

TAN: Uh, yeah… Exactly that, actually.

CROWLEY: I can do this all day.

TAN: Oh no, this is what he meant when he said you make your own clothes.

CROWLEY looks very pleased with himself.

TAN: You didn’t change your glasses, though. I’ve been wondering about those. May I?

Tan reaches for CROWLEY’s glasses. CROWLEY looks at the camera and then moves so his back is facing it. Tan’s face is visible over his shoulder.

CROWLEY: Go ahead.

TAN gently takes the sunglasses off CROWLEY’s face. He looks at CROWLEY, goes pale, and silently puts the sunglasses back in place.

CROWLEY: I thought so. Are we done here?

TAN nods and sits down, looking shaken.

INT. Chic Restaurant

ANTONI and AZIRAPHALE are seated in an upmarket but hip style restaurant.

ANTONI: CROWLEY tells me that you like your food, he called you a connoisseur. How would you describe it?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, he’s sweet. I like to experience a lot of flavours and textures, I suppose. I have a sweet tooth, but I love things like sushi and traditional European dishes too.

ANTONI: A lot of variety then?

AZIRAPHALE: I suppose so!

ANTONI: I’ve brought you to this fusion restaurant to get an idea of just how adventurous you are. The chef has very kindly prepared some tester dishes for us to try.

AZIRAPHALE: That sounds marvellous.

A waiter brings over a platter.

ANTONI: The theme here is a fusion of Greek and Indian cuisine, the first dish is a kind of halloumi tandoori salad. The cheese has been roasted in a tandoor oven, using traditional spices.

They both eat.

AZIRAPHALE: Mmm, scrumptious.

ANTONI: That’s a good start!

AZIRAPHALE: The saltiness of the cheese is balanced by the freshness of the salad, and the spices really bring it together.

ANTONI: You’re right. Great! Next is a curried goat gyros. Let’s see what you think of this.

They eat, AZIRAPHALE’s eyes close in bliss.

ANTONI: You seemed to like that as well.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh yes, very much. The goat is perfectly cooked and delicately flavoured. Delicious.

ANTONI: You clearly know food, why don’t you have a kitchen or anywhere to prepare your own food?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, I never had much of a talent for it. I’m much happier patronising local restaurants and trying new things than risking burning down the bookshop again!

ANTONI: Again?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, forget I said that.

ANTONI blinks twice.

ANTONI: What would you say has been your favourite dish from over the years?

AZIRAPHALE: Crêpes. Worth dying for, crêpes.

INT. The Fab Five's Loft

JVN and CROWLEY are sitting on a large couch with a collection of photographs, paintings, sketches, and drawings between them. A closer shot shows that all the images are of CROWLEY at different points in history.

JVN: You have been serving looks for so long! Ugh, look at all this gorge hair, I’m jelly. What a queen!

CROWLEY preens at the praise.

CROWLEY: I like to change things up.

JVN: Same. Sometimes you just want to feel like a new person.

CROWLEY: Exactly! Change your name, change your clothes, change your hair! Don’t be who you were yesterday!

JVN nods enthusiastically.

JVN: Am I seeing this right, is this a dress?

CROWLEY: Oh yes, the 1920s had some amazing dresses. I loved that era.

JVN: Fingers crossed for the next 20s, right? Let’s bring back flapper fashion!

CROWLEY: I could, you know.

JVN: I’m sure you could, you freaky darling.

CROWLEY smiles and shows his teeth.

JVN: Tell me what you do to relax?

CROWLEY: Where’s this coming from?

JVN: I’m just curious. I haven’t seen a lot of CROWLEY leisure evidence.

CROWLEY shifts in his seat, uncomfortable.

CROWLEY: I have the plants. I like to clean. I go to the cinema sometimes.

JVN: Honey, that’s not enough. You’re choking the part of you that wants to enjoy life.

CROWLEY: I’m very busy, you know.

JVN: Nuh uh, I’m not buying that for a moment. You can stop time but you can’t make time for yourself?

CROWLEY: Well, I, uh, y’know.

JVN: Mhm, that’s what I thought. I’m going to show you how to pamper yourself.

JVN and CROWLEY are sitting on the sofa wearing bathrobes and face masks. They both have their hair wrapped up in towels. CROWLEY is painting JVN’s toenails. There is a bottle of wine on the coffee table and JVN is holding two DVD cases.

JVN: Mean Girls or Legally Blonde?

CROWLEY: Hmm, tough choice. Legally Blonde, I think. Yeah.

JVN hands the case to CROWLEY who shakes it until the rattling stops. The movie begins to play on the TV in the loft.

JVN: If you can teach that stuff, my soul is still on the table, y’know.

CROWLEY hits JVN on the shoulder lightly.

CROWLEY: You shouldn’t joke about that.

JVN pours more wine and CROWLEY puts his feet on the sofa for JVN to start painting his nails.

INT. Crowley’s Flat.

BOBBY and AZIRAPHALE are sitting on the floor of CROWLEY’s living room with craft supplies and photographs.

BOBBY: The aim here is to completely cover the canvas in photographs but without obscuring the key part of each picture.

AZIRAPHALE: Understood. This is jolly fun, isn’t it?

BOBBY smiles and hands the photographs to AZIRAPHALE.

AZIRAPHALE: You’re really quite uncomfortable with what we are, aren’t you? More so than the others, it’s more than just facing something you had doubts about.

BOBBY: Hmm, I suppose so.

AZIRAPHALE: You needn’t be, you know. Knowing, not knowing, it doesn’t change anything for you.

BOBBY: I’m not sure I understand.

AZIRAPHALE: Your issues were with the church, not Her.

AZIRAPHALE points upwards.

AZIRAPHALE: What humans do in Her name actually has nothing to do with Her plan. You can be almost certain of it. You are a good man, living a good life, you don’t need a relationship with a church to validate that.

BOBBY opens and closes his mouth a few times.

BOBBY: That is not what I was expecting you to say.

AZIRAPHALE cuts up some of the photographs and begins to place them on the canvas.

BOBBY: Thanks.

AZIRAPHALE smiles at him.

INT. Fab Five’s Car

KARAMO is driving. AZIRAPHALE is in the passenger seat.

KARAMO: I’ve got a surprise lined up for both of you, but I wanted some time alone with you first.

AZIRAPHALE looks worried. He twists his fingers together.

AZIRAPHALE: Did I do something wrong?

KARAMO: Oh no, don’t worry! I just wanted to catch up with you, we haven’t had much of a chance to chat.

AZIRAPHALE relaxes and smiles.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, that’s kind of you.

KARAMO: I wondered if you could tell me a little bit about your relationship with CROWLEY?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh! Of course! He’s my oldest friend, we’ve been through everything together, even if we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye. The Earth was less than six months old when he first slithered up to me and he’s been just such a sweetheart ever since.

KARAMO: That sounds really lovely, to have someone that you can always rely on.

AZIRAPHALE bites his lip.

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, I suppose. I do worry that he hasn’t always had that in me, though. That, perhaps, I haven’t been as reliable an ally as I should have been. It took me rather a while to see what I needed to.

KARAMO: And what was that?

AZIRAPHALE: That CROWLEY was the only one in the whole universe who understood me, who cared about me, that it wasn’t all some demonic trick. I wanted to believe in two conflicting things at once and it wasn’t until one of those beliefs was forcibly removed from me that I saw CROWLEY for the selfless creature he is. I am ashamed of the things I thought about him. The things I said to him before Armageddon.

KARAMO: Armageddon?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, nothing to worry about, dear chap. We took care of it.

KARAMO does not appear to be reassured.

KARAMO: Are you happy with your current relationship?

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, of course! Why wouldn’t I be?

KARAMO: How would you define it?

AZIRAPHALE: He’s my best friend. I love him dearly.

AZIRAPHALE pauses and chews his lip again.

AZIRAPHALE: That’s not entirely true. I’m  _ in _ love with him. But I think I broke his heart already, I wasn’t ready when he was and he’ll have moved on.

KARAMO: Are you sure about that?

AZIRAPHALE: Quite certain.

KARAMO: Ah, we’re here. Let’s go find CROWLEY.

INT. Dance Studio

CROWLEY is standing in an empty dance studio, there is a mirrored wall along one length of the room. KARAMO and AZIRAPHALE enter and greet CROWLEY. A woman wearing leggings and a leotard enters shortly afterwards.

KARAMO: From talking to the both of you, I knew that I had to get you doing something together. You have had some issues with communication and timing in the past and we want to leave those problems behind us. What better way to get on the same page than by learning to dance together?

CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE look skeptical.

CROWLEY: So, what? You’ll have us waltz and foxtrot about for a bit and suddenly 6000 years or repression is just going to disappear?

AZIRAPHALE flinches.

KARAMO: No, nothing is ever that easy. This is just a start. And it doesn’t have to be as intimate as traditional ballroom dancing. This is DENISE LILIA, the owner of this studio and she’s going to show us some steps.

DENISE: Hello, nice to meet you. I understand that you have a little experience, AZIRAPHALE?

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, well, I wouldn’t say that exactly. It was a long time ago.

CROWLEY: What? You  _ danced? _

AZIRAPHALE: Hush, don’t make a fuss. You were sleeping.

DENISE: What lead to you learning the gavotte?

CROWLEY snorts into his hand and turns away.

AZIRAPHALE: [defensively] It was popular at the time amongst my friends! That’s all.

KARAMO: There’s no harm in expanding your horizons.

DENISE: I’m going to demonstrate some steps, have you copy me, and then we’ll join them together.

CROWLEY appears keen, laughing and smiling as DENISE demonstrates. A montage of the dance lesson begins. CROWLEY, AZIRAPHALE, and KARAMO all mimic DENISE with varying degrees of success. AZIRAPHALE appears to remember a lot of the dance but is nervous. CROWLEY is all confidence and no technique. KARAMO picks it up pretty quickly. DENISE partners with KARAMO and CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE partner up for a run through of the whole dance. AZIRAPHALE ends the dance with the traditional kiss, CROWLEY seems surprised but not upset.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh! Sorry, my dear. Habit, I suppose.

CROWLEY grins and grabs AZIRAPHALE by the waist. CROWLEY snaps his fingers and the music changes to a classic Viennese waltz.

CROWLEY: Follow my lead.

CROWLEY whirls AZIRAPHALE around the studio, narrowly missing KARAMO and DENISE. CROWLEY is remarkably smooth and controlled as he leads AZIRAPHALE. He finishes the dance with a dip. AZIRAPHALE blushes.

KARAMO: [to DENISE] You ever feel like you’re just being played for a sucker?

DENISE: [to KARAMO] Never to this extent before.

INT. Crowley’s Kitchen

ANTONI and CROWLEY are standing behind the central island of the kitchen, gadgets and implements are set out in front of them.

ANTONI: I understand that you want to take AZIRAPHALE for a picnic to celebrate a significant anniversary at the end of this week, is that right?

CROWLEY: [reluctantly] Yeah, that’s right.

ANTONI: That’s so sweet, picnics can be so intimate and romantic. I know that AZIRAPHALE has pretty refined tastes but he also is an adventurous eater. I thought it might be fun to try something like sushi hand rolls.

CROWLEY: Angel loves sushi, so that’s great.

ANTONI: You call him angel?

CROWLEY: [blushing] No! I mean, well, yeah that’s what he is. It’s not a pet name or anything.

ANTONI smirks.

ANTONI: Well, I’ve got us some soft shell crabs to make a really delicious treat for your angel. You already had all the equipment which is very different to what I’m used to.

CROWLEY: I don’t really have the same constraints as your usual clients.

ANTONI: I guess not. OK, well, we’re going to start by preparing the crabs. Lay them shell side down and slice them diagonally through the body with a sharp knife. Let’s do two right now.

CROWLEY picks up a crab and looks unnerved by it. He puts it on the chopping board and slices it with a rocking motion of the knife.

ANTONI: Very nice, you know how to use a knife, I see.

CROWLEY: Yes, maybe don’t think too hard about why.

ANTONI pales but continues.

ANTONI: We’re going to make the tempura batter now, you can make this from scratch but it comes in packets and is such a time saver. You just add ice-cold water and mix it with a fork, you’re not looking for a smooth texture or you’ve overworked it.

ANTONI hands CROWLEY a bowl and a cup of water. CROWLEY dumps the water in and snaps his fingers. The mixture in the bowl is instantly transformed into perfect tempura batter. CROWLEY looks pleased with himself.

ANTONI: That sort of defeats the point of making something from scratch, doesn’t it?

CROWLEY shrugs and grins.

ANTONI: Let’s try not to do it again. Now we need to dip the crab halves into flour to dry them and help the batter stick. Then they can go into the batter. Let’s do two at a time.

CROWLEY holds two of the crab halves and wrinkles his nose. He dips them into a bowl of flour and then drops them into the batter, using a fork to scoop them out when they are covered. He looks at ANTONI for approval.

ANTONI: Very nice.

CROWLEY beams.

ANTONI: I’ve got your deep fryer up to temperature over here so just lower them into the oi-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CROWLEY is lowering the battered crab halves into the fryer with his fingers and licking the hot oil off afterwards.

CROWLEY: What’s wrong?

ANTONI grabs CROWLEY’s hands and pulls him to the sink to run them under cold water. CROWLEY snatches his hands back and shows him that he isn’t injured.

ANTONI: [weakly] I think we’ll have to cut that bit.

The 4 crab halves are shown out of the oil, on a plate with a sheet of kitchen roll. ANTONI is opening a rice cooker.

ANTONI: Now the crabs are cooked through, it’s time to assemble the hand rolls. Your rice cooker has a sushi rice setting so it’s just a matter of following the instructions.

CROWLEY: Or…

CROWLEY raises his hand as if to snap his fingers.

ANTONI: No cheating!

ANTONI fills a bowl with sushi rice from the rice maker and sets it on the counter. He divides a nori sheet and hands one to CROWLEY.

ANTONI: First, we want to make a little triangle of rice in this corner, then add our garnishes. I’m using some fresh wasabi and a dash of sweet chilli sauce. Lay one crab half on the rice so the legs are pointing upwards. I’m going to top this with a slice of avocado and then it’s time to roll. Starting at this corner, we want to roll it into a neat cone. Like that. Finally, a little dollop of roe in the top and it’s done! You want to have a go?

CROWLEY has been watching intently during the whole process. He nods.

CROWLEY: Yes, I can do this!

CROWLEY reaches for the sushi rice but fumbles; in the same movement he snaps his fingers upwards and the ingredients jump into place, the nori sheet rolls itself up around them. CROWLEY adds the roe with a teaspoon and looks proud. ANTONI pinches the bridge of his nose.

ANTONI: CROWLEY, no. We talked about this.

CROWLEY: I agreed to nothing.

ANTONI: What would mean more to AZIRAPHALE?

CROWLEY growls and rolls his eyes so hard that it’s obvious from behind his sunglasses. He picks up a new nori sheet and splits it in half, following the same steps that ANTONI used, CROWLEY quickly constructs two neat hand rolls.

ANTONI: Is this some kind of hustle? Am I being punked?

CROWLEY: I’m a fast learner? You’re a good teacher? Pick whichever makes you happier, they’re both true.

CROWLEY turns his back to the camera and starts opening cabinets. Most are empty. He opens one that had been empty a second ago and pulls out a ceramic bottle and three little cups.

CROWLEY: Sake?

ANTONI nods and accepts a cup of sake. CROWLEY fills the other two cups although ANTONI looks confused. JVN enters the room and CROWLEY hands him the third cup.

CROWLEY: Kanpai!

All three drink.

ANTONI: Have you heard what he calls AZIRAPHALE?

JVN: No? OMG, tell me!

ANTONI: CROWLEY, go on.

CROWLEY visibly cringes in anticipation of being mocked.

CROWLEY: I just call him angel, it’s not cute just a description.

JVN looks as though he might swoon.

JVN: Adorbs, you two give me life. I can’t even!

CROWLEY: It’s just a description! It’s like if I called you “human”.

JVN: You clearly don’t know me well enough, hunty. I’d love for you to call me that.

CROWLEY blushes, ANTONI offers JVN a crab roll.

ANTONI: I don’t suppose I need to tell you about storing these? Given the state of your fridge, I can’t see you letting your romantic picnic going off.

CROWLEY: It’s not romantic!

JVN and ANTONI look at each other knowingly.

INT. Salon

AZIRAPHALE is sitting in front of a mirror, JVN is behind him with his hands on AZIRAPHALE’s shoulders.

JVN: I have been looking forward to this all week! You gorgeous thing, you. Now, there’s likely to be a lot of contact. You make sure to tell me if you need a break or want me to back off, OK?

AZIRAPHALE reaches up to pat JVN’s hand reassuringly.

AZIRAPHALE: My dear boy, thank you. I’m positive that it won’t be an issue as I have been getting accustomed to to all the casual touch this week but I appreciate your concern.

JVN smiles and squeezes AZIRAPHALE’s shoulders.

JVN: I know that CROWLEY has had a lot of different hairstyles over the years, but you’ve barely strayed from this super cute, wavy, fluffy peak style. Am I right?

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, I didn’t really see the need to change it.

JVN: Well she is working for you. Now, if I do something that really hate, I take it that you can fix it like that?

JVN snaps his fingers.

AZIRAPHALE: Quite, yes. So, feel free to go wild!

JVN: I don’t think wild is going to work for you, honey.

JVN runs his hands through AZIRAPHALE’s hair several times.

JVN: I think we’re just gonna neaten her up, get her all gorgeous and get you set up with some really simple hair care products to take her from fluffy to soft and irresistible!

JVN takes AZIRAPHALE to the basins to wash his hair.

JVN is trimming AZIRAPHALE’s hair.

JVN: Your colour is just stunning. Almost white, but just a hint of gold. Millions would kill to be this kind of blonde, you know.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh gosh, I hope not!

JVN: Well, let’s just say you’re very lucky.

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, I suppose I am.

JVN: CROWLEY isn’t going to know what hit him, trust me.

AZIRAPHALE: Oh, I doubt he’ll care.

JVN: Of course he will! I’m sure he loves how you look all the time, but a change like this will knock his socks off.

AZIRAPHALE looks unconvinced. JVN stops cutting his hair.

JVN: That’s not your worry, is it?

AZIRAPHALE shakes his head, his eyes look teary.

JVN: What’s the matter? You can tell Auntie Jonathan, gorgeous.

AZIRAPHALE: I think I missed my chance with him and now it’s just a joke that he plays along with. I made him wait so long and now he won’t want me anymore.

Tears fall from AZIRAPHALE’s eyes and he sniffles.

JVN: It’s never too late, honey. You just have to be open with him, open your heart to the love you deserve.

AZIRAPHALE: I  _ can’t! _ I am so afraid, still. I can’t forget how badly it nearly went for us and what if we’re not safe yet? What if we let our guard down and then it’s all over?

JVN pulls a stool over and sits very close to AZIRAPHALE.

JVN: What would be worse, a very long life where you never face how you feel about each other or taking that leap and being truly happy for however long you have left together?

AZIRAPHALE: I don’t get to make that decision for him. It would be selfish.

JVN: Honey, I think he’s been trying to tell you his decision for a long time.

AZIRAPHALE and JVN hug.

INT. The Loft

BOBBY, KARAMO, JVN, and ANTONI are on the sofa with drinks, chatting amongst themselves. TAN hurries in and gets their attention.

TAN: Oh my god, you guys are going to freak out over how cute he is! Are you ready? [projecting] Come on in, AZIRAPHALE!

AZIRAPHALE walks in looking self-conscious. His hair is short around the sides and longer on top where it has been styled into a soft wave. He is wearing a pair of dark blue, slim fit jeans, a pale blue shirt with the top button undone, and a pair of suspenders in his personal tartan.

BOBBY, KARAMO, JVN, and ANTONI all shriek or gasp with delight and applaud AZIRAPHALE who spins on the spot to show off his new outfit.

AZIRAPHALE enters again, now wearing the v-neck tee, jumper, and grey tweed trousers from earlier. He seems far more confident already. TAN stands beside him and tweaks at the clothes.

TAN: This is a really nice look for all sorts of occasions; you can wear it out to dinner, for a walk, just lazing about at home. It’s comfortable and chic, just what is going to work for Aziraphale. How do you feel in it?

AZIRAPHALE: I still really like this one. I’m very snuggly. It makes me want to cuddle!

The FAB FIVE leap to their feet and dog-pile on AZIRAPHALE to give him a big group hug.

AZIRAPHALE enters once more. He is now wearing tan trousers, a white v-neck t-shirt, and a navy blue cardigan jacket. The front of the t-shirt is in the french tuck style.

KARAMO: I spy a french tuck!

TAN: Yes! Rocking it!

JVN: Ryan Reynolds eat your heart out.

JVN jumps up to stand beside AZIRAPHALE.

JVN: Can’t you just see me on his arm at the next Emmys? We’d be so cute together.

AZIRAPHALE blushes furiously as JVN straightens out his hair.

TAN: One more! One more outfit!

BOBBY, ANTONI, TAN, JVN, and KARAMO are looking offscreen. At once, BOBBY, ANTONI, KARAMO, and JVN burst out laughing. TAN goes pale.

TAN: Where the fuck did you get that?

AZIRAPHALE is wearing beige cargo shorts and a dark purple hawaiian print shirt. He looks horribly uncomfortable.

AZIRAPHALE: It was on the pile. I did think it was an odd choice.

A phone rings. It’s on the coffee table.

ANTONI: I thought that was just decorative?

BOBBY: It  _ is _ . It’s not connected to anything.

JVN picks up the phone.

JVN: Hello? Oh, hey hunty. Yes, yes, he’s wearing it now. That was mean of you! No, I think you’ve really hurt his feelings. Of course he’ll forgive you eventually but it’ll take a while, definitely. Oh? I’ll ask. AZIRAPHALE, honey, would you like to speak to the cruel demon who played this trick on you? No? Sorry Crowley, he’s too upset.

JVN hangs up the phone.

AZIRAPHALE: I didn’t say any of that.

JVN: Serves him right to get a little taste of his own medicine.

JVN ushers AZIRAPHALE out of the room.

INT. The Bathroom of the Loft

JVN is picking out another outfit for AZIRAPHALE to end on.

JVN: Here. This is gorge.

JVN gives AZIRAPHALE a kiss on the cheek and leaves him in the bathroom to change.

INT. The Loft

AZIRAPHALE enters wearing a soft grey suit with tan leather detailing on the shoulders and lapels, he has a chunky cream scarf around his neck.

The FAB FIVE whoop with delight.

TAN: Yes! This is the formal look that I really like for you. It’s still comfortable and it fits really well. You can show off that waist and those yummy shoulders without looking frumpy. And, look, there aren’t any patches that you’re worn bare yet!

AZIRAPHALE: Give it 100 years or so.

TAN: Don’t you dare!

EXT. Crowley’s Building

CROWLEY and JVN get out of the Bentley, AZIRAPHALE, BOBBY, TAN, KARAMO, and ANTONI get out of the SUV. CROWLEY is wearing the cargo shorts and Hawaiian shirt that AZIRAPHALE wore earlier. AZIRAPHALE is wearing the soft grey suit.

CROWLEY: Get a load of you, angel. I never thought I’d see the day you wore a modern fabric blend!

AZIRAPHALE: Thank you, dear. Is this your version of sackcloth and ashes?

CROWLEY looks down at what he is wearing and grins.

CROWLEY: Yeah, pretty much. What do you think?

TAN: I don’t know how, but I will murder you. Change now.

CROWLEY snaps his fingers and changes into a slinky, black flapper dress with black and silver beading. His hair fell into perfect finger curls, held in place with a sparkling headband.

TAN: Show off.

JVN: Do me! Do me!

CROWLEY shrugs and snaps his fingers once more. JVN is now wearing a matching dress in white and gold, his hair is styled to mirror Crowley’s. JVN squeals excitedly and hangs off CROWLEY’s shoulders.

JVN: I love it! Will I get to keep the dress or is it like a “gone at midnight” deal?

CROWLEY: I’m a demon, not a bloody fairy godmother!

BOBBY: Can we go in? I’ve got lots to show you!

AZIRAPHALE falls to the back of the group, his mouth set in a thin line as he watches CROWLEY and JVN skip inside together. KARAMO puts his arm around AZIRAPHALE’s shoulders and they walk together.

KARAMO: He’s acting out because he’s nervous. Don’t take it personally.

AZIRAPHALE: [standoffish] I’m afraid I don’t have the foggiest idea what you’re referring to.

INT. Crowley’s Flat

The flat is brighter and warmer looking. The concrete floors have area rugs in neutral colours. One wall of the living room has been covered with bookshelves. There is more furniture now, although there is still a lot of open space. There are a couple of sofas and armchairs in charcoal grey, they look plush and soft. CROWLEY’s plants have spread into the living room which breaks up the dark grey of the walls.

CROWLEY: Yeah, alright. OK, this is pretty good.

KARAMO: Nice work, BOBBY! It feels like a completely different space.

BOBBY: Come and see the bedroom.

CROWLEY: Why would you change the bedroom? It was perfect.

BOBBY: Crowley, please. Your bedroom was literally hell.

AZIRAPHALE: Worse! I’ve been to Hell and I’d prefer it to that gloomy old bedroom!

CROWLEY: Who said you’re welcome in either?

AZIRAPHALE sits in an armchair, JVN sits on the arm and drapes over the back. CROWLEY grimaces and stalks off to the bedroom with BOBBY, TAN, and ANTONI.

INT. Crowley’s Bedroom

The bedroom also has plants, rugs, and warmer lighting. The photo collage is hung on one wall. The bed is still very large, but the bedding is duck egg blue with cherry blossom embroidery and it’s less imposing without the canopy. The statue of the winged figures wrestling has been moved into the bedroom. TAN and ANTONI flop onto the bed and bounce.

CROWLEY: This feels so different and yet, not? I can see that not much has changed but it feels so much more like a home. I’m confused.

BOBBY: This is what happens when your personal touches are more than just weird fetish statues.

CROWLEY: Oi! But… Yeah, OK. Fair.

CROWLEY walks up to the photo collage.

CROWLEY: This is new, what is it?

BOBBY: AZIRAPHALE made it for you. We drove around London taking photos, maybe further afield, I’m not sure. AZIRAPHALE said that these were all significant places for the two of you.

CROWLEY inspects the collage. He touches it gently.

CROWLEY: [quietly] Oh.

CROWLEY steps back and sits on the bed. He looks dazed.

CROWLEY: I thought he didn’t care. I thought he didn’t want… this.

ANTONI hugs CROWLEY from behind. TAN rests his head on CROWLEY’s shoulder.

TAN: We’ve been telling you this all along.

ANTONI: He’s got his fears too, it probably won’t be a smooth course but you can get to the same place.

CROWLEY: I go too fast. I’ll mess it up.

BOBBY: [gently] Perhaps. But I don’t think he’ll let you make a mess that can’t be fixed.

CROWLEY shakes his head.

CROWLEY: He’s out there now with JONATHAN draped all over him. You’re wrong about this.

TAN: Oh, like you were outside? You practically dressed JONATHAN like an AZIRAPHALE replacement.

CROWLEY: No I didn’t! I just picked something pretty. Something pretty in white and gold, yeah, OK, I see what I did there.

JVN enters the room.

JVN: What’s going on?

TAN: CROWLEY just had a bit of an epiphany about his relationship and some of his more self-destructive behaviours.

JVN: Like this dress?

ANTONI: Exactly.

JVN: It was not your smartest move, queen.

CROWLEY snaps his fingers and JVN’s dress changes colour to sapphire blue and silver.

CROWLEY: [sadly] I think the damage is already done, though.

ANTONI: Nonsense. You’ve still got tomorrow and the picnic. It’s going to be fine. Trust us.

Everyone in the room hugs CROWLEY.

INT. The Loft

The FAB FIVE are dressed smartly as well as wearing little angel wings and devil horns. KARAMO and JVN are mixing drinks. ANTONI is finishing up a dish of devilled eggs. TAN and BOBBY are on the sofa.

TAN: Come on fellas, it’s nearly time!

ANTONI: Coming, coming! Here, I’ve got devilled eggs and angel food cake. It seemed appropriate!

JVN: Oooh, I love a theme.

All five settle on the sofa and start watching the screen.

INT. Crowley’s Kitchen

CROWLEY is wearing skinny black jeans, a blue v-neck t-shirt, and a tailored blazer. He spins for the camera.

CROWLEY: How’d you like this, TAN?

TAN: [VO] He looks very good. Shame he wouldn’t let me dress him at all but at least the weird scarf has gone.

BOBBY: [VO] Yeah, what was that? Yuck!

JVN: [VO] I know he’s a demon, but he’s also a snack.

CROWLEY: I’m supposed to do this picnic stuff now. How mad will ANTONI be if I just…

CROWLEY raises his hand as if he’s about to snap his fingers.

ANTONI: [VO] NO! We spoke about this! Don’t you dare!

CROWLEY: Only kidding.

CROWLEY starts preparing the sushi rolls just as ANTONI showed him.

KARAMO: [VO] He really had you going there!

ANTONI: [VO] He is a menace.

TAN: [VO] Yeah, but a hot menace.

ALL: [VO] Noises of agreement.

CROWLEY finishes the hand rolls and they look perfect. He packs them in a cooler with some other snacks, sake, and champagne. He puts the cooler by the front door with a blanket.

ANTONI: [VO] I am so proud of him! He really did it all himself.

BOBBY: [VO] He’s taking the good stuff too. Did we ever find out what they were celebrating?

KARAMO: [VO] Huh, no. I kept meaning to ask but it would always slip my mind.

TAN: [VO] Yeah, same.

JVN: [VO] Mood.

INT. A.Z. Fell & Co Bookshop Back Room

AZIRAPHALE is looking in his hidden wardrobe and deliberating between outfits.

JVN: [VO] OMG, are those sock garters? I didn’t even know you could still get those.

TAN: [VO] He would literally not part with them. I tried.

JVN: [VO] Why? He’s so adorable like this!

KARAMO: [VO] You can lead an angel to water, I guess.

AZIRAPHALE pulls out the jeans, suspenders, and blue shirt and begins getting dressed.

TAN: [VO] Good choice! It’s not too formal, but he’s making an effort.

JVN giggles.

TAN: [VO] What’s funny about that?

JVN: [VO] Just something CROWLEY told me, I’ll tell you later.

KARAMO: [VO] He looks so much more confident. Look at how he’s carrying himself.

BOBBY: [VO] I literally can’t look at that bookshop. It’s like an anxiety dream.

AZIRAPHALE steps out of his shop and admires the window boxes. He picks a purple zinnia and holds it carefully. CROWLEY’s Bentley pulls up and CROWLEY gets out to open the passenger door for AZIRAPHALE.

ANTONI: [VO] Did any of you know that he was such a gentleman?

KARAMO: [VO] I had an idea.

INT. Crowley’s Bentley

AZIRAPHALE is in the passenger seat. CROWLEY gets in the driver's seat. They smile at each other nervously.

BOBBY: [VO] How cute are they together? I can’t get over it. I love them.

AZIRAPHALE: Can you look at me for a second?

CROWLEY turns to face AZIRAPHALE looking confused.

CROWLEY: What’s up?

AZIRAPHALE reaches up and tucks the zinnia flower into CROWLEY’s hair.

AZIRAPHALE: Beautiful.

CROWLEY blushes and starts the car.

FAB FIVE: [VO] Combined gasps and shrieks.

ANTONI: [VO] Oh no he didn’t! These two are going to kill me!

JVN: [VO] How smooth was that, though?

CROWLEY drives. AZIRAPHALE watches him the whole journey.

EXT. St. James’s Park

CROWLEY has laid out his picnic blanket and is offering his hand to AZIRAPHALE so he can sit down.

JVN: [VO] I want a love like these two have!

ANTONI: [VO] We all do. I don’t think it’s something we can understand.

CROWLEY: I saw your collage. It seems we both think of this spot as special.

AZIRAPHALE: We’ve met here so many times over the years. I used to walk around here, hoping to bump into you some days.

CROWLEY: You sap.

CROWLEY opens the picnic cooler. AZIRAPHALE’s eyes light up.

CROWLEY: I, uh, I made these. So, if they’re bad, blame ANTONI. It’s soft shell crab.

CROWLEY hands AZIRAPHALE a hand roll and takes one for himself. AZIRAPHALE bites into the hand roll and moans almost indecently. CROWLEY grins and takes a bite of his own.

ANTONI: [VO] He likes it! Look at his relief!

TAN: [VO] Of course he does. It was made with love.

JVN: [VO] I ship this so hard.

CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE finish eating. Music begins playing and CROWLEY stands up, offering his hands to AZIRAPHALE who looks delighted. They take starting positions and CROWLEY leads them through a hybrid gavotte-waltz that allows him to hold AZIRAPHALE any time that he would have been spinning with another partner.

KARAMO: [VO] I swear I’ve been hustled but I can’t see how.

BOBBY: [VO] I’m going to cry. How are they this cute together?

ANTONI can be heard sobbing.

Pink in the cheeks, CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE drop back onto the blanket, laughing.

AZIRAPHALE: I had no idea you had that in you!

CROWLEY: I’m full of surprises, me.

AZIRAPHALE: You can say that again.

AZIRAPHALE leans against the picnic basket and CROWLEY cautiously rests his head in AZIRAPHALE’s lap.

CROWLEY: Angel?

AZIRAPHALE: Yes, CROWLEY?

JVN: [VO] Oh my god, this is it. I’m gonna hurl.

CROWLEY: I’ve been thinking. Do you know what day it is today?

AZIRAPHALE: Of course, dearest. It’s been a year exactly since the end of the world.

CROWLEY: That we stopped.

AZIRAPHALE: That you stopped, you clever thing.

CROWLEY: So, I, uh. Happy anniversary, angel.

AZIRAPHALE: Crowley?

CROWLEY: Mm?

AZIRAPHALE: I love you.

The VO channel is overloaded with shrieking and cheering and sobbing.

AZIRAPHALE leans down and kisses CROWLEY’s lips.

CROWLEY: Not too fast, angel?

AZIRAPHALE: Not anymore, no.

CROWLEY: Move in with me?

AZIRAPHALE: You didn’t need to kidnap five charming men to get me to agree to that, you know.

CROWLEY: Agree to disagree.

CROWLEY and AZIRAPHALE kiss until CROWLEY remembers the champagne.

INT. The Loft

The FAB FIVE are cuddling each other, sobbing openly and congratulating each other on a job well done.

CREDITS.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments keep me alive.
> 
> Also, come yell at me on Tumblr @ luritto.tumblr.com


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